So you want to be a filmmaker…?
Yes, well, something like that.
This post is really just to replace WordPress’ “Hello World!” post. I haven’t decided yet whether I’ll actually use this to blog (Edit: Apparently I have since I wrote this HUGE POST) or if I’ll just use it as my portfolio or what. But until I go on an archaeological dig on my third floor to find the CD-rom with my old videos on it, and go out and take some photos to replace the generic one up top (or steal some off the internet to Photoshop… I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?) a pure blog it shall be!
Who am I, then?
I’m a(n almost) 26 year old aspiring filmmaker turned Classicist turned baffled post-grad turned bookseller turned aspiring librarian turned aspiring filmmaker.
Full circle indeed!
In any case, yes, you heard me right, I want to be a filmmaker, and by filmmaker I really mean “visual storyteller” as I would like to work on both films and TV dramas. Whether I end up focusing more on editing or scriptwriting or the ever popular directing remains to be seen. I’ve always had a good hand at editing and have called myself a “writer” since I was 5, clinging to that self-proclaimed title even though my completely unproductive periods. But who knows, once I’m in film school I may find I’m awesome at bossing people around.
Film, classics, and libraries, Barb? What gives?
I’ve taken a meandering path through life so far, both from the intention of making myself more well-rounded and from the (I think) fairly common post-school dilemma of “What now?”
Film was my life all through high school, when I spent many happy years in Radnor High School’s TV studio working on all sorts of productions — short movies, news, live sports broadcasts. I kicked off college in the same field, starting off at Ithaca and transferring back home to Temple after only one semester. Ithaca may be “gorges” but it’s also really freaking cold!
I was still a film major when I arrived at Temple, but due to their baffling scheduling (so I can’t take any upper level courses until I take the core classes, but I can’t register for the core classes because the Juniors and Seniors eat up all the slots right away?!) and just stupidly letting myself get discouraged (people looked at me like I had 6 heads when I confessed I’ve never seen the Godfather) I decided to switch majors to Classics the summer before Sophomore year. I regret not being smart enough to consider doing a double major in Classics and Film, but I loved that little Classics program and I would not have given up those 2 1/2 challenging, fascinating years for the world.
After college, well, that was a different story.
I didn’t want to teach, so I spent a very long time completely baffled as to what to do. Four years in fact! I spent half a year slacking off, another half year working at CVS, escaped to Borders before the drugstore could make my braincells go kaboom! and worked there for two years, and then decided to try out Library Science. After all, I didn’t mind working in a bookstore so much, right? Right? At least the being around books all the time part, and that’s what libraries are all about. Right? Well, kind of…
Long story short (too late), I’ve discovered it’s just not for me. Librarians are awesome, don’t get me wrong, and they’re certainly staunch supporters of all things technological and geeky, which makes me a huge fan, but… well, reading user studies makes all my creativity leak out my nose. And I used to practically shoot creativity from my eyes like laser beams. More importantly it’s just not my passion; I signed on because I wanted something to pay the bills so that I could write in my free time, but since then I’ve met plenty of people for whom it is a passion. Library jobs are rather scarce at the moment. It just doesn’t seem fair for me to be filling space when someone else who’s more enthusiastic could be there!
So. Rewind a couple weeks: My dear friend Roozbeh is coming home to Philadelphia for a few days. He’s been in USC’s graduate film program for the past few years, which once-upon-a-time he’d nagged me to apply to, to which I replied “wah wah California is so far California is too liberal I’m shy and quiet and just don’t think I have what it takes boo hoo”, or something like that.
So I’m excited to see him, as usual. Except I’m not, as usual, because while I look forward to seeing him whenever he comes home, I can’t help but feel an acute sense of shame at the thought of facing him — me, the boring librarian, the has-been, the wanna-be who just never had the guts. He’ll tell me about the student films he’s working on, and I’ll tell him about the PowerPoint website I’m building. Yawn.
Then it occurs to me… what the hell am I doing? If I’m too ashamed to face one of my best friends because he’s pursuing the career I’ve always wanted, why the hell don’t I go after that career too?? I’m only (almost) 26, it’s not like I’m on my deathbed moaning about all the chances missed. It was like being dunked in cold water, like driving out of a blizzard. “No shit, Sherlock, just apply to film school!”
Well, duh.
Once I’d made the decision, all the insurmountable creative blocks I’ve been banging my head against for years just seemed to crumble. I felt like someone cracked open my head and a whole landscape of creativity just burst out. Suddenly everything was a potential story again, a potential shot. All these years when I thought my Muse had left me in the lurch, she was really just waiting for my permission to come out. For the first time in years, I can’t sleep at night for all the ideas… I get up 10 times before I finally settle down to fix a word in a story, rewrite a paragraph, write down 1 or 2 or 10 ideas. I’m not a part time artist, it would seem; I’m not the sort who can have a “secure” day job and come home at night and still have the energy to write that magnum opus. No, I definitely need to be in an industry that demands my creativity be turned on 24/7.
So now I’m in the process of applying to USC, and that’s why I’m here, typing this very long rant. The ball is already rolling to get me withdrawn from Drexel; I’ve already filled out as much of the USC application as I can at the moment; I’ve got letters typed up to send to my local contacts in the industry to try and get a full time job doing anything while I apply; I’ve got all the people writing my recommendations on board; I’ve been compulsively thinking about the photo essay requirement, and unlike every other “personal statement” I’ve ever had to write, I’m actually looking forward to writing this one, because I know this time I can actually be myself.
So, that’s my story, for now. But the world does not lack for stories, so I’m sure there will be more.
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